Let’s flash back for a second to about four months ago, all the way back to July 14th, 2013. Yes, I am writing little Ellie’s birth story about four months after it happened; however in my defense, I did write out the entire thing only to have my computer freeze and delete my draft. It’s taken me this long to have the motivation to write it out all over again. So here goes. Here are the circumstances surrounding the little one’s debut. Reader discretion advised (meaning if words like”uterus” make you cringe, you may want to stop reading).
Three reasons for documenting such a personal experience and posting it on the Internet: 1. Documentation/journal keeping. I always want to remember this experience. 2. It’s important to me to do everything I can do to promote the family. I hope this post in some way captures how beautiful the whole experience is and has been. 3. Reading the birth experiences of others helped give me courage to do the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Maybe my story can help someone else.
Preparing to give birth is like training for a marathon without knowing at what moment you are going to start running. It’s waiting to do the hardest thing physically that you have ever done without knowing when you will start. And by the way, the start will in no way be on your own terms. Talk about being anxiety! And just as a marathon requires intense preparation, birth does too. Exercising, trying to eat well, doing prenatal yoga, reading about birth “technique,” etc. Aaron even went to a childbirth class with me! Despite all my preparation, Eleanor’s birthday did not go the way I had planned. I think that’s what made the experience so perfect and humbling.
I was terrified to give birth when I first found out I was pregnant. I knew absolutely nothing and was squeamish about the whole thing. Aaron was even worse. I had to force myself to watch videos of live births on BabyCenter.com to get used to the idea. I was clueless about all the “birthing techniques.” Until then, I thought that all women had either a C-section or an epidural (unless they lived in a third world country). Early in my pregnancy, my sister-in-law recommended that I read about natural (unmedicated) childbirth just in case things progressed too quickly for an epidural as they had with one of her children. I started reading Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way “just in case” and ended up loving the whole philosophy (minus the criticism of doctors and nurses, etc.). It increased my faith in God as I read about the whole natural process and gave me the confidence to plan on a natural birth for my little girl so long as there were no complications.
On July 13th, I was working from home when I felt a small gush of water. I know enough about my body to know that I didn’t wet myself; however when no more liquid came, I wasn’t sure that it was my water breaking. I tried to stay calm, especially since Aaron was out of town and not supposed to return home until midnight that night. I didn’t want to alarm him unnecessarily, so I called the doctor first. The told me to call if it happened again in the next hour. No more water came, so I tried to keep myself busy. I went swimming and shopping with my friend Kristi who later invited me to a work dinner with her and her husband. They kept me company (for which I am forever grateful) until I picked Aaron up from the airport. I figured the whole thing was a false alarm since I still felt great.
The next morning we were assigned to clean the church. We came home, took a nap, and cleaned the house. Another gush of water came. I called the doctor again who said they would have the on-call doctor get in touch with me. Aaron and I thought we would take our hospital bag “just in case” and grab some lunch at my favorite pizza place, Cane Rosso. Just as we pulled up to the restaurant, the on-call doctor called and told us to come in immediately as it sounded like my water had broken. I had to settle for a Subway sandwich instead, and we headed to the hospital.
I still thought they would send me home at this point. I was feeling great and not having any contractions. The doctor met with us, tested the amniotic fluid, and determined that my bag of waters had been ruptured or leaking for 24 hours. He informed us that I would need to be induced since the baby was at a risk of infection. That meant an IV (less mobility for my practiced labor positions), the dreaded Pitocin (which natural childbirth books will tell you is basically a gateway drug and the nemesis of natural childbirth), continuous fetal monitoring, and increased likelihood of an epidural. Basically the exact opposite of my labor-at-home-bonding-time-with-my-husband-eating-drinking-relaxing “birth plan.” I knew that it was very likely that things would go differently than I planned; however I was still very disappointed that despite my determination, my chances of having the natural birth experience I had hoped for were less likely. I asked the doctor to give us a minute, cried, said a prayer, received a priesthood blessing from Aaron, wiped my tears, and got the show on the road.
Aaron held my hand and turned on Spanish television to distract me while they put the IV in my wrist. He was an amazing coach through the whole thing. We played a game of Phase 10 and he snuck me some pistachios to keep my energy up. After about an hour of the Pitocin things really started picking up with contractions progressing quickly from 30 seconds to about a minute long and 1 1/2-2 minutes apart. It was very intense the whole way through. The fetal monitor strapped to my belly was hard to work around, but I was still able to work through the contractions with Aaron’s help.
Every nurse that helped us was perfect for our situation. All had strengths and advice that was perfect for Aaron and me. One of nurses in particular had given birth at home and loved natural childbirth. She was so sensitive to my needs. She tied a scarf over my IV so I wouldn’t have to look at it and taught us different labor positions that worked despite the cumbersome IV and fetal monitor (the positions we had practiced were done without the extra attachments in mind).
At one point I was so tired that I laid on the hospital bed. I breathed through a few intense contractions and Aaron kept encouraging me. At one point, after about 8 hours, I told Aaron to hurry and call the nurse to help me go to the bathroom. The nurse came in and said that that urge to go to the bathroom was really common in the early stages of labor. Early stages?!!! If these were still the “early stages” then there was no way I was going to make it. The nurse decided to check me first and announced that I was dilated 10 cm and that the baby was coming. That urge was the urge to push!
That was the most exciting news I had had up until that point. The whole night had been an emotional roller coaster, but our baby girl was finally almost here and I was going to be able to give birth to her naturally! Although I was technically going to have the birth method that I had wanted, I realized, especially in that moment, that all that mattered was that our sweet little girl was almost here, no matter how she came.
Pushing was a relief, although because of the Pitocin, my body wasn’t quite as prepared for the baby and I paid heavily for her perfect little round head. Those stitches (with hardly any anesthetic) were the most traumatic of my life. But the best part was that I got to hold my little girl. She looked just as confused as I felt when she came out. She had huge, alert eyes and nursed right away. The “motherly instinct” that I had always heard about really did kick in, and I somehow knew exactly what to do with her. She was (and still is) absolutely perfect. It wasn’t until everyone left the room and Aaron and I were alone with our little Eleanor Ann that I truly felt the peace and sacredness of birth. It is indescribable.
Motherhood is incredibly challenging and rewarding. It is so much work! Breastfeeding, sleep deprivation, and all the little things in between are some of the best and hardest experiences of my life. Seeing Aaron as a father and watching little Ellie grow and develop are beyond beautiful memories. Through these experiences I am learning again that God is in charge, and that he teaches us to rely on Him. When we do humble ourselves enough to put things in perspective (aka not worrying so much about “our way”), He teaches and comforts us in ways that no other can. I’m so excited for all that’s in store for our little family!